Monday, 22 June 2009

Everything Begins Somewhere.

So yesterday I was watching the season two series finale of
Private Practice and I can honestly say it moved me to tears. I am not the type of person to cry over movies, television programmes etc. but I don't know why I did, I suppose i'm becoming more emotional and aware of my feelings.

My name is Nina Danjuma, I live in London, UK and I am an aspiring writer. I have come to see that everything is an opportunity or a reason to write. When I cry, when I laugh, when i'm happy and when i'm not. So after watching it I realised something, something important. I asked a few friends about the last time they cried emotionally and to be honest it was quite surprising because i didn't know that people had gone through those sort of things or been in such situations.

One of my friends told me about moving away from family at a young age and I suppose like anyone would have been he was scared, scared of going somewhere new with nobody there he knew, scared of being alone and undeniably scared of just going to a completely different country that he had convinced himself he didn't like. When he told me I don't know how I felt because the most simple things have become so complex to me these days like whether i'm hungry or not or what kind of bagel I want to eat seeded, wholemeal or plain white. I think I wanted to be there to see him as he spoke so I could feel it. Maybe even understand or at least hear some sort of emotion in his voice and yet again I was scared. Scared of what I'd feel if I did hear his voice, a feeling I could develop but could almost never be pursued. But before this i'd ignore him to console myself I think, to not feel inadequate, to not feel like I was too loud or too quiet, too fat or too thin, simply too much or too little of anything, and just be his friend. Funnily enough that was what I was scared of and that wasn't where the problems ended ..

Music is a huge part of my life and sometimes it feels like every word in every song epitomizes my life entirely. So when I'm mad or not I just sit and listen and soak it all in, listening to the lyrics and understanding how the artist felt at the time it was being written.

I was talking to another friend about something I wanted to write about. Boys/men being afraid to be emotional because it's gay and when I asked him when was the last time he cried, he said and I quote 'I'm not telling you, i'm a man' although being 15 years old doesn't make you a man that wasn't quite what upset me. What upset was that when he refused to tell me I tried to plead with him. I said that if he told me the last time he cried I'd also tell him mine and he said 'No, I don't care'. It was obvious that he would rather diclose my feelings than be honest and I don't think he understood the value of what I was willing to tell him in order to understand him or to just help.
I was so upset because what I was ready to address something that I have avoided almost half of my life, the death of my father. I suppose I have come to terms with him not ever being with me, of him being gone but there are things I know I will never accept. Like him not harrasing my first real boyfriend, driving me to uni and telling me i'll be fine, screaming at me for running up the phone bill and over drafting on my credit card but most of all not having him there walking me down the isle on my wedding day. The tears again began to tickle my cheeks ..

Recently I was ill and I thank God i'm better but I didn't go to school for a few days. When I returned to school I guess I expected a welcoming or at least some sort of care from my friends but seeing as i'm writing about it, it didn't happen. I was accused of being ill for attention, being selfish, controlling, demanding and all the above but I didn't care what they thought about me anymore because 3 years of caring was just about enough of what I could handle. As I released myself from them and their company I began to see that friends are overrated and the ones you really need will always be there no matter what.

And this is where I begin trying to overcome my fears, trying to be true to myself and everyone else because Everything Begins Somewhere.



  1. aww!
    all i got to say is you've got you're mummy!!

  2. ...everything really starts from somewhere...
    "If you don’t define yourself for yourself then you will be crushed into other's fantasies of you and eaten alive"
    - Audre Lorde
    i hope it inspires you as much as it inspires me

  3. Thank you 'Peaches'
    it definitely does.

  4. Awww... Hi Nina..
    Just thought I'd say.. Welcome to Blogtown..